Today my partner proposed that at 3 pm we come together for some connection and intimacy time.
This was after long weeks of discussion and hurt feelings on both of our sides, and with a request from me to intentionally connect more.
Working at home and living on a mountain in the middle of nowhere leads to a lot of alone time with each other. And yet, if we don’t set aside intentional time to connect, we can both get caught up in building our businesses and neglect our relationship.
I was grateful for his intention to connect. But then I had this feeling of guilt. Like I was that “stereotypical woman” who needed more connection, and so the man begrudgingly offered it.
I asked, “Did you enjoy connecting this afternoon?” And he said, “Yes.” I questioned, “And you didn’t think it was stupid?” And he said, “No… but do you have an insecure part of you who thinks it’s stupid?”
So I looked inside and sure enough I totally DO have an insecure part of me who thinks that anytime I request more connection or deeper intimacy I’m doing something wrong and imposing something unwanted upon my beloved.
AND I immediately recognized how this is a dangerous lie of the patriarchy coming through me.
You see, women have been categorized as the “needy” ones, those who desire connection and intimacy. But this isn’t totally true. I, for one, exhibited many more “masculine” traits when it came to sex, love and relationships. I’ve always been the one who feels like the other person is too needy, the one who desires independence and freedom.
On the flip side, men who do desire intimacy and connection 1) don’t even know they desire it, and/or 2) feel like it’s inappropriate or “pussy-like” TO desire it.
So this whole lie we’re all living with is a pile of bullshit for men, women and anyone on any end of the spectrum.
It’s a lie fed to us through media, family dynamics, religion, self-help books, and even tantra and gurus who dichotomize gender.
NONE of us need to feel guilty for desiring deeper connection. In fact, the whole world desires deeper connection.
That’s why we’re in the fucked up state we’re in.
So connect, my darlings. Ask for it. See how your world changes.